Taking my IBS to Orlando

I haven't been to Orlando for over five years, but I've had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome for those of you who know nothing about the latest "trend" in health anomolies) since I was about 12 years old. It has never been an easy condition to handle, let alone one to add to the anxieties of puberty, i.e. feeling that one's body seems a bit nubile or that one will never look like this:

All jest aside, IBS is no easy thing to live with. The condition is characterized by mild to extreme discomfort in any or all parts of the digestive tract, including constipation, diarrhea, or both. The precise cause is unknown, which makes treatment fairly hit-or-miss. I've been prescribed some of the strongest pharmaceuticals on the market, and none of them did anything to help me. In my experience, homeopathic remedies work the best. A friend's mother once concocted a mix of oat straw, nettle leaves and red clover into a tea which I drank one quart of every day; that helped moderately. I feel that if I were to combine that with my current supplement, acidophilus, it could do real wonders.

Not to beleave my current reactions to this beast which kept me running to the locker room every day after Mrs. Reed's science class in sixth grade, I will turn my attention to my recent trip to Orlando. It was a last minute family vacation that I was not in any condition to attend, seeing that I am unemployed, $80,000 in debt, single and living with my parents. I'm also going to be incarcerated this weekend, Jan 16-18, at the Bavarian Inn in Ankeny, Iowa to attend a court-mandated alcohol counseling session.

I arrived at Orlando International Airport on wednesday evening before setting my appetite on a sushi (chain) restaurant next to the DoubleTree, feasting on a meal of goons (*see recipe section), eggrolls, sushi and beer. Usually, I get constipated when I travel, so I did not incur any discomfort from the abundance of raw fish that I typically experience. But my luck was about to change.

After finishing off the leftover sushi for breakfast around 9 the next morning, the family and I begain our trip to the all-ages appropriate, family-friendly cluster fuck that is Orlando at Islands of Adventure. I recommend the rollercoaster "dueling dragons" and the loony toons log ride; although I did feel a bit strange walking around dripping wet in early January, especially because my white shorts had become see-through and eventually black-bottomed from sitting on the pavement.

For lunch, we strolled down an elaborate life-size replica of an avenue that looked as if it had been ripped right out of solid city. Opting for a diner that made its employees wear mock 1950s garb, I decided to wet my whistle with a chocolate shake and get an order of chili cheese fries- Mistake #1, no person suffering from IBS should ever eat chili cheese fries. Ever. But after this indulgence, I didn't think anything of the chicken strips I subsequently ordered. It was smooth sailing until we were standing in line for the ET ride when, suddenly, it hit. That's the thing about IBS, sometimes you think you're fine and then, like a bullet ripping off a deer's head, it strikes.

I felt bubbling in my stomach and beads of sweat roll down my already gaping pores. Knowing that this meant the worst, I headed for the nearest bathroom. I was in there for about 15 minutes before I realized that I was going to live, and that I should never eat chili cheese fries again. The rest of the day went smoothly, including an unexpected highlight on "The Mummy" ride, which is just awesome.

Surprisingly, the rest of the trip I felt in decent gastrointestinal standing, and the only other time I thought about my IBS was when I made my parents take us to Cocoa Beach so I could jump into the ocean in January. I was diving into waves and floating in the surf when I had to pee. Naturally, I just took down my swim trunks a little and took care of this in the water, and I wondered to myself what it would be like to have a poo in the ocean. Would it be difficult to get away with? Would there be remnants left behind on the body of the offender? I considered trying it for half a second and then I realized that I needed to get out of the water because people like me probably shouldn't be allowed on public beaches.

Back in Orlando, I concluded the trip with a trip to Downtown Disney at night (talk about a shitstorm) and a dinner at Chevy's delicious mexican food. I ate crab and shrimp enchiladas and washed them down with scotch on the rocks. I also finished off my family's various dishes because I have a compulsive fear of leaving food to waste. Some of us never learn.