Taking my IBS to Orlando

I haven't been to Orlando for over five years, but I've had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome for those of you who know nothing about the latest "trend" in health anomolies) since I was about 12 years old. It has never been an easy condition to handle, let alone one to add to the anxieties of puberty, i.e. feeling that one's body seems a bit nubile or that one will never look like this:

All jest aside, IBS is no easy thing to live with. The condition is characterized by mild to extreme discomfort in any or all parts of the digestive tract, including constipation, diarrhea, or both. The precise cause is unknown, which makes treatment fairly hit-or-miss. I've been prescribed some of the strongest pharmaceuticals on the market, and none of them did anything to help me. In my experience, homeopathic remedies work the best. A friend's mother once concocted a mix of oat straw, nettle leaves and red clover into a tea which I drank one quart of every day; that helped moderately. I feel that if I were to combine that with my current supplement, acidophilus, it could do real wonders.

Not to beleave my current reactions to this beast which kept me running to the locker room every day after Mrs. Reed's science class in sixth grade, I will turn my attention to my recent trip to Orlando. It was a last minute family vacation that I was not in any condition to attend, seeing that I am unemployed, $80,000 in debt, single and living with my parents. I'm also going to be incarcerated this weekend, Jan 16-18, at the Bavarian Inn in Ankeny, Iowa to attend a court-mandated alcohol counseling session.

I arrived at Orlando International Airport on wednesday evening before setting my appetite on a sushi (chain) restaurant next to the DoubleTree, feasting on a meal of goons (*see recipe section), eggrolls, sushi and beer. Usually, I get constipated when I travel, so I did not incur any discomfort from the abundance of raw fish that I typically experience. But my luck was about to change.

After finishing off the leftover sushi for breakfast around 9 the next morning, the family and I begain our trip to the all-ages appropriate, family-friendly cluster fuck that is Orlando at Islands of Adventure. I recommend the rollercoaster "dueling dragons" and the loony toons log ride; although I did feel a bit strange walking around dripping wet in early January, especially because my white shorts had become see-through and eventually black-bottomed from sitting on the pavement.

For lunch, we strolled down an elaborate life-size replica of an avenue that looked as if it had been ripped right out of solid city. Opting for a diner that made its employees wear mock 1950s garb, I decided to wet my whistle with a chocolate shake and get an order of chili cheese fries- Mistake #1, no person suffering from IBS should ever eat chili cheese fries. Ever. But after this indulgence, I didn't think anything of the chicken strips I subsequently ordered. It was smooth sailing until we were standing in line for the ET ride when, suddenly, it hit. That's the thing about IBS, sometimes you think you're fine and then, like a bullet ripping off a deer's head, it strikes.

I felt bubbling in my stomach and beads of sweat roll down my already gaping pores. Knowing that this meant the worst, I headed for the nearest bathroom. I was in there for about 15 minutes before I realized that I was going to live, and that I should never eat chili cheese fries again. The rest of the day went smoothly, including an unexpected highlight on "The Mummy" ride, which is just awesome.

Surprisingly, the rest of the trip I felt in decent gastrointestinal standing, and the only other time I thought about my IBS was when I made my parents take us to Cocoa Beach so I could jump into the ocean in January. I was diving into waves and floating in the surf when I had to pee. Naturally, I just took down my swim trunks a little and took care of this in the water, and I wondered to myself what it would be like to have a poo in the ocean. Would it be difficult to get away with? Would there be remnants left behind on the body of the offender? I considered trying it for half a second and then I realized that I needed to get out of the water because people like me probably shouldn't be allowed on public beaches.

Back in Orlando, I concluded the trip with a trip to Downtown Disney at night (talk about a shitstorm) and a dinner at Chevy's delicious mexican food. I ate crab and shrimp enchiladas and washed them down with scotch on the rocks. I also finished off my family's various dishes because I have a compulsive fear of leaving food to waste. Some of us never learn.

The Freight-Train Has Sounded (choo-choo!)

While the queer community has always been instrumental in introducing me to the awesome and perverse world of alternate sexual experimentation and practices, yesterday my roommate introduced me (the everly-perverted curious) to the world of urethral penetration, also known as "sounding". Within the heteronormative sphere I would generally be described as a straight woman [although I would never refer to myself in such constricting terms] it is not abnormal for me to involve myself in a conversation that touches on a variety of rituals from double-ended dildo play, male bodied female sexualization and vice versa, or even, oh, I don't know, anal fisting? I mean, after all, I do live here. But in truth, the term sounding was a completely foreign term for my meager vocabulary and it altogether crashed a train through my mutually exclusive deviance and virtue.

My roommate, a queer femme sex educator in a poly relationship with a male bodied female identified person (yeah, go ahead, read that again and go get yourself a snack) has been the information super bi-way for me and my other roommate. Yesterday, she indulged us in yet another one of the experiences she had with her partner which works both as our daily dose of gossip and an ordinarily modest amount of Q & A. However, I was more than a little perplexed when she went on to explain the extremely pleasurable encounter she had watching them "sound". My mind explored a great many possibilities of what that might mean, but it definitely never even broached the subject of urethral penetration. Upon a lot of investigation, my roommate patiently mollycoddled my array of questions and encouraged me to research the practice on my own.

This is what I've learned:

Sounding, an oft-taboo practice even for a weathered participant of the BDSM lifestyle, is the practice of imbedding long, thin, and surgical steel rods, called "sounds", into the urethra. In practice, an indivudual wishing to try this out should never use household objects for experimentation, as you risk breaking the object or omitting poison or bacteria into your body (a big turn-off if you ask me). Stainless steal sounds are ordinarily recommended because they are easy to clean and won't break inside of you.

Sounders should also be sure to use a lot of lube, as the sound is prone to be a painful procedure if the urethra is not properly dilated. This can in turn cause tearing of the fragile tissue which could be dangerous if forced too deeply. Lubrication allows the sound to more easily slide into the urethra, however the width and length of the sound is a personal preference so if it is not easily inserted, a shorter and narrower sound may be necessary. Silicone based lubricants are best to use since they last the longest in use and generally do not contain any sort of sugar, which is masked as glycerin in many commercial lubricants. For this reason, saliva should also be avoided because it dries quickly and also contains natural sugars which can lead to urinary tract infections.

Those in the know find that using sounds creates a very pleasurable sensation that is felt upon penetration. They are also gaining popularity among the S&M community as a means of power play. When used on a male-bodied person, certain sounds make reaching erection very difficult, therefore if the penis begins to engourge, the individual inserting the sound is forced to wait until the erection peter's out (haaaa!) to go any further. This underscores the identitied roles of submissive and dominant and can be interchangeable depending on who is in charge of the sound at any given time.

The main concerns in sounding are the prospects of cutting or tearing the urethra and creating an infection. Therefore any sound needs to be cleaned regularly and inserted slowly and carefully each time. Stretching of the urethra is to be expected, and irritation may consequently be a result of this, however if the feelings continue for an extended period of time or the individual experiences blood in their urine, they must seek medical attention.

The most important factor in sounding (and any sexual practice) is the maintenance of communication and safety between you and your partner. Sure, it may sound like a pretty far cry away from good old missionary position, or even, gasp, anal sex, but if you're confident and comfortable enough within your sexuality to experiment with yourself or your partner, anything is possible. So go out there and get it on and get sounded!

SOME FUN FACTS ABOUT SOUNDING:


Van Buren sounds have a pronounced curve at each end, for the purpose of penetrating far into the urethra, eventually reaching the bladder.

Pratt sounds are longer urethral dilators [double ended ones can be as big as twelve inches long] with slightly bent and round ends. These are geared more towards the male bodied user.



The Dittel sound has a flat and rounded end and is the most standard sound on the market. These can be found in many high-end fetish and sex stores.


Hegar sounds have two rounded ends and are moderately short and slightly curved in shape. These are currently the most affordable sound and many of websites sell them in complete sets of up to eight for as little as 40$. These sounds are suitable for the male of female bodied person and are generally considered the most safe. They usually consist of slightly curved double-ended sounds that vary in size to range for the ability and comfort level of the individual. Whether a beginner or an expert these sounds offer the most diversity.

If you are interested in learning more about urethral penetration, please feel free to voice your opinions, experiences, or questions, and be sure to visit the following websites:

BMEzine
UrethralInfo
UrethralPlay

Love,
Lauren